With all the special treatment vegetarians are receiving these days, including a day named in their honor, (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I began wondering: why am I, a practicing ketogenerian, not treated the same? Why aren’t restaurants adding special items to their menus for me like they do by sticking “tofu-this” and “tofu-that” on the menus for vegetarians?
What exactly is a ketogenarian, you ask. Well, it’s a relatively new term, one I created, to specify the low-carb dieters of the world. I thought it sounded fancier and more important than “low-carber”, don’t you agree?
Anyway, the low-carb diet, when executed properly, puts the body into “ketosis” – meaning the body burns fat for energy instead of carbohydrates. Or, for a more technical description from wikipedia : “Ketosis (pronounced /kiːˈtoʊsɪs/) is a state in metabolism occurring when the liver excessively converts fat into fatty acids and ketone bodies which can be used by the body for energy.”
(If you think we’re crazy, check out the Paleo Diet.)
Society is interested in eating healthier, staying fit, losing exess weight and all that good stuff these days. So why wouldn’t restaurants offer special menu items for ketogenerians and vegetarians alike?
Some possible reasons for the discrimination:
- There are more vegetarians than ketogenerians. Sheer numbers of the meat-haters have forced restaurants to begin offering special dishes but a similar rise in ketogenerianism has not yet occurred to the level that they must be recognized by the food service industry.
- Vegetarian menu options are less expensive than ketogenerian items. Think about it. A carrot is a whole lot cheaper than a hunk of meat.
- Vegetarians are plain louder than ketogenerians. This could manifest in two different ways: one, they could be more willing to make noise to get what they want or two, they could have more powerful vocal cords and greater lung capacity, thus producing a higher decibal of speech.
Perhaps restaurateurs don’t fully understand the ins and outs of a ketogenerian diet. I mean, it’s pretty easy to recognize the difference between animal and non-animal products. (Even though some ding dongs will use chicken stock in a dish they think is vegetarian. Duh.) But it is much more difficult to easily discern between low-carb and not low-carb ingredients.
Since we at Fork You try to be as helpful as possible while remaining sarcastic and cynical, I thought I’d go ahead and give you some briliant new menu ideas that I am sure will rival anything Chef Ramsay gifts to the Kitchen Disaster victims.
- Appetizer: Skewers of Pepperoni & Cheese chunks. Everyone loves food on a stick and it really adds to the presentation. You could amp it up a little more by adding a garnish of a different type of cheese….something really wild like pepper jack! This could do double-duty on the kid’s menu, too.
- Entree: The Big Breakfast. A hearty portion of eggs, sausage, bacon, and ham steak. The eggs are fried in yummy cholesterol-laden bacon grease, which is perfectly acceptable in the ketogenerian diet.
- Entree: Trio of Meats with a Side of Meat. This dish would feature not one, not two…but FOUR different meats! A ketogenerian’s dream come true. This dish will likely be the most expensive item on the menu.
- Entree: Keto Salad. A salad of lettuce, shredded cheese, and steak strips. Optional add-ons for an upcharge: bacon bits, hard-boiled egg.
- Entree: Cheese-Pleaser Pie. You first make a crust of cheese and eggs. Then you fill it with a mixture of cheese, cream and eggs. Finally, a sprinkle of grated parmesan cheese tops it off. Serve this with a side of laxative.
- Dessert: Hell, they’re all made with flour, sugar, or both. How about a slice of cream cheese with a mint leaf on top?
I have nothing against vegetarians. In fact, I envy them. All the special treatment, entire restaurants revolving around their way of life, national exposure… Some days my only comfort lies in the fact that hard liquor has no carbs.
And to beat it all, today is World Vegetarian Day. I am going to celebrate with a hunk of cheese and a juicy steak.